I throw my hands up for awhile and mope.
Just when I was about to go full-force mope-o-matic, my husband got an idea. If this is your first time reading, or you are not real familiar with Mr. Mommyusedtobesopretty, let me just tell you...he is full of ideas. I get whiplash from his business ideas. In just the past two years, he has run a fully functioning moving business, started a tote rental company (actually a pretty great idea, check out www.renttote.com), to different websites, and is now entertaining the business idea he currently has sitting out on our driveway.
Here's a picture:
|"OK, Babe, see, I am going to buy these old cars really cheap, fix 'em up, and sell 'em."|
Disclaimer: this is not my car.
We will definitely get back to the mini-van, because it is an integral character in this plot line.
So my husband saw a commercial, which led him to a million websites of "Google research," and he even visited the local Complete Nutrition. "There's this new diet plan called HCG. People are losing tons of weight and it's natural." And his usual sales pitch, "listen to me, babe. I know what I am talking about." My husband, who has never been overweight a day in his life, at almost 6 feet tall and usually weighing in around 175, "knows what he is talking about."
According to Wikipedia, "Human chorionic gonadotropin or human chorionic gonadotrophin (hCG) is a glycoprotein hormone produced during pregnancy that is made by the developing embryo after conception and later by the syncytiotrophoblast (part of the placenta)."
PS? Pure HCG is extracted from pregnant women's urine.
Basically, the proponents of the HCG diet swear that the use of HCG will keep your body burning fat even when you are eating a super-low (500 per day) calorie diet. You can read more about that here.
I want to stop the bus right now and make something VERY clear. I am NOT a fan of diet pills. I do not endorse or condone the use of diet pills. I think they are super dangerous and pretty mysterious as most of them are not approved by the FDA, and many feature pictures of Kardashians on them.
For whatever reason that day, I decided to let my husband talk me into trying this. I know! I know! I was really scared, but first of all, these are drops, not pills, so somehow, better? Secondly, my husband assured me that the guy at Complete Nutririon assured him everything was natural. After all, it comes from the pee of pregnant women, right?
I opted not to follow the 500 calorie diet. Sorry, that nonsense ain't happening. Me HUNGRY.
I did keep careful track of my calories and followed a 1100 to 1300 calorie diet. I used the drops twice a day and drank a lot of water. Proponents of this diet swear that you can lose a pound a day. They promise that each pound you lose is a pound of fat. I found lots of blogs where people were following this diet and lost a LOT of weight with minimal hunger. (Another promise of HCG is hunger reduction. Whatevs. Feed me.)
In about 7 days, I lost 10 lbs. Seriously. For a moment, I wondered if my husband had been right about other things in our marriage, and quickly got over that. (In retrospect, it was probably the healthy eating and water loss due to eating less sodium and drinking more water.) And this was even happening during my worst week of PMS. (Gentlemen, I apologize if this gets to be TMI, but it is CRUCIAL to the story!) I actually started my period a day early, although it had been jumping around a bit the past few months, I am always happy to get it over with.
The next day was a training for work in Grand Island, Nebraska! WOOOOT!
A funny thing happened in Grand Island that day. My period disappeared. *poof* Gone.
I wasn't panicked at first. My period had been acting funny, and I was on these pregnant women pee drops which certainly could have some kind of hormonal effects on one's body, and I had been very stressed lately... so I waited to see if it would return. I even called my husband on the long drive home and told him to start researching whether or not these drops would have an effect on someone's "special time." He said that he found a few sites where someone mentioned it, but it was attributed to the extremely low calorie diet and not the drops. So we waited.
After 3 days of waiting, a tiny seed of doubt was bristling and flourishing into a full grown frenzy.
Am I...? *gulp*
What was going through my mind? "There is NO way. NO WAY. Scarlett is only a year old. There is NO WAY. I was never meant to be a mother of ... *gulp*, and two kids both still wearing *gulp*...Mike and I had just started really trying to smooth out our relationship... (I know what you are thinking!) So this is really CLOSE to impossible...but not totally..."
Friends, I have purchased pregnancy tests in my life at many different stages.
The "please, God, no!" Stage.
The "please, please, please, God, let it be positive!" Stage.
This was a new stage. Maybe you could call it, "Whaaa?"
I took the first test. It wasn't exactly positive. It wasn't exactly negative either.
I took the second test. Same thing.
Mike, in true form, keep up a tantric chant "It's gotta be the drops. It's gotta be the drops. It's gotta be the drops."
But with no period in sight, I had to call in the experts. So I called my OB's office and explained the situation with the HCG drops, the weight loss, the disappearing period, the weird tests. The nurse had never heard of such a thing, so they asked me to come in for a blood test. The next day, they called to let me know...
they weren't sure.
So they wanted me to wait a few days and come back in for another test. I went in to get my blood drawn, and explained my situation to the woman drawing my blood. She was mostly excited about my weight loss because she had just ordered HCG from Canada.
Later that day, I received a call from my OB nurse. She said, "are you sitting down?" I said, "I can't. I think I already know what you are going to say." She said, "Yeah, you do."
Then she said:
|Baby #3 due June 23|
"THE GRAND FINALE"
Soooo...about that minivan...